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One of the biggest shocks to me as a parent was just how getting out of the house suddenly turned into mission impossible. Speaking to other parents I know I’m not alone in this!
Our children just aren’t born for our busy, modern society. They like to take their time, and get deeply involved in play. It must come as a complete shock to them when we start hurrying them out of the door, and lecturing them about being ‘on time.’
I’d love to live in a world where my daughter could take her time, where I could just open the back door and she could run out and play with other children all day.
Unfortunately our world is not that simple. Most of us out of necessity have to, at least some of the time, get our children out of the house. And we a have a time limit.
Luckily Hand in Hand parenting has some amazing tools to help us complete this challenge. Follow these steps to get your children out of the house. There are lots of playful tips here so if you use them all you might be in for a very long getting ready process! Incorporate them here and there whenever it seems necessary to add fun and connection into your daily routine.
1. Don’t underestimate the scale of this challenge! – It seems like the simplest thing in the world. Putting on clothes and shoes, opening the door and leaving the house – before having children. Afterwards life will never be the same again. Be easy on yourself, and forgive yourself for the times you’ve snapped and lost your patience. Children’s brain’s aren’t really wired to be rushed about from place to place. But because of our lifestyle’s it’s often a necessity. So, if it gets hard, don’t think of it as some sort of ‘failing’ in you as a parent. Caring for children and their emotional lives is one of the most challenging jobs in the world.
2. Instead, seek support . Get some listening time . When we have a parenting difficulty that recurs day after day we’ll often find that as time goes on more and more feelings build up inside of us. The first step towards change is to have somewhere to take these feelings. Having another adult who can listen as we talk, moan and express how we feel means that these feelings will come up less and less in our life. So have a laugh and a cry about how hard it is to get out of the house. Then notice how your perspective shifts after being listened to. When we clear out our mind of upset we can think more clearly and can often come up with playful and creative ways to deal with the situation.
3. Have lots of connection the day before – Connection helps our children to co-operate with us. If your child feels disconnected you can bet they will tell you about it by refusing to put on clothes, clean teeth etc. Any time we connect with our children it is an investment of time that will make things go more smoothly the next day. Do some special time the day before, and plan for regular roughhousing before bed. Bedtime is the ideal time to add in extra giggles to not only make your child sleep easier, but also give children the connection they need to co-operate the next day.
4. Have a bed party – While your child is sleeping, arrange every single fluffy toy they own on their bed. As your child slowly wakes, make up a silly song like ‘welcome to the bed party,’ and have the toys throw and catch balloons. Do silly thing that make your child laugh. Perhaps they start trying to lift your child’s pillow up instead of a balloon, or all the toys decide to leave the party by hiding under the pillow. This is the perfect alarm clock for our little ones. You can read more about this idea here .
5. Have a puppet or fluffy toy do the getting ready tasks – After hosting the bed party, have your child choose a toy to get them ready. Have the toy say silly things like, ”now I’m going to take you to the pee-pee otorium,” and ”welcome to the restaurant now I’m going to show you the breakfast choices.” Everything goes a little more smoothly when a friendly toy is the one doing the talking instead of a nagging parent!
6. Have a getting ready song . We like Hit The Road Jack By Ray Charles . If you want to add in some playfulness, you could try pretending the song is making you put on your coat and shoes, but have the song get it all wrong, for example by making you pile ten jumpers on top of you, or put on your child’s shoes.
7. Beat The Clock . Hand in Hand instructor Marilupe De La Calle says, ”We pretend that the clock is an actual person who’s trying to beat us. I say, playfully: “Oh, no! the clock is already eating his breakfast”… and my girls rush to the table. Then I keep going…”He’s putting his shoes on!! quick, put yours on!”…”Oh, he is already in his car!!!”..My girls love to “get him.” We win if we get to our destination on time.
8. Beat The Song From Marilupe De La Calle. Another trick we use is to play a song on the music player and we try to get ready (get dressed, hair done, shoes on) before it’s over. My girls get to choose the song, and this is especially funny when they pick a silly one, like a Christmas song in March.
9. The Confusion Game Hand in Hand instructor Skye Munroe of Nurturing Connections says, ”I like to pretend to be confused about the process – things like “ok ok I know we need to get somewhere right now , I just can’t remember what to do … Hmm ok maybe I have to open this big silver thing ( fridge) and it will be able to help me ?” My gems will then be giggling and saying things like “no no we have to put our shoes and coats on and go out the door” and then I may open a cupboard door or similair – just goofing around so that the kids help ME ( us) get out.”
10. Squeeze in some special time . Even five minute can make a difference as this story from Hand in Hand instructor trainee Isabela Budusan shows. Starting the day with special time can be really effective. If you start the day with a bed party, you’ll already have started the day with a dose of connection, so you might want to move onto doing all the getting ready tasks, and then have special time right before leaving the house.
11. Music Montage from Ariadne Brill of Positive Parenting Connection . One of our favourite ways to get ready without struggles is to do a music montage (just like those fun scenes in movie). We choose one or two favourite songs to get shoes, coats, bags in order and dance and get ready at the same time. When the song is over we meet by the door.
12 The checking game From Ariadne Brill. Something we did when my boys were 2 and 4 years old was an airplane pilot check list. “One shoe on? Check! Another shoe on? Check! Coats? Check! A toy to bring along? Check! Everyone ready? check! Everyone buckled? Check! the children loved this game, especially if we built in silly moments like jump three times to get to the door? Check!!” feel free to edit as you need!
13. Lets leave the house – Put on a playfully serious voice and tell your child it’s time to leave the house. Take them by the hand, and lead them to the door the bathroom, and say, ”oh whoops! That’s not the way out of the house.” Repeat with other doors for different rooms, or wardrobe doors, cupboards etc.
14. Pack a silly bag – Pack a silly bag the night before full of random objects. Start talking about how you need to take this bag for you and how you need to check the objects. Pull out a swimming costume although you’re going to the park, a winter hat and gloves in summer, or some rocks from the garden. Act all surprised and confused as your child laughs and laughs.
15. Make Time For Big Feelings – If your child has a big meltdown at any time during this process it’s counter-productive to try and distract them or stop the tears. There’s a lot of articles out there about how to stop a tantrum, but this is why I recommend going with the flow and allowing feelings . Even if we do end up being late, our child will be in much better emotional shape to enjoy their day when they’ve release those feelings.
I hope these tips help the getting ready process become a joy for you and your children. If you try them out I’d love to hear about how you get on. You can let me know in the comments section below. And if you come up with any fun and playful games of your own I’d love to hear from you too!
A good morning starts with a good night’s sleep! If you need some help in this area check out my 5 Sleep Secrets For Peaceful Nights and Hand in Hand parenting’s online self study course Helping Young Children Sleep .
This post is all about listening time. If you’re new to the concept you might want to check out my introductory article here first.
How do you feel when your children say, ”play with me!” Are you filled with excitement and joy, and rush over, saying, ”yes of course!” If this is the case every time, then you don’t need to read this post😉
For the rest of us, the words ”play with me!” can sometimes fill us with dread. It can be really hard to get down to our child’s level when we have chores to do, and adult things to take care of.
This post was inspired by an amazing Ted Talk I watched yesterday. You may have seen it already. It’s where TV producer and writer Shonda Rhimes , talks about how she decided to say yes when her children asked to play with her, every, single time. This video had me in tears. I so resonated with how she loved to work and write. I totally related to how hard she found it to play, and how she kept trying to come back to love, and simply being in the moment with her children.
I’m really glad I found Hand in Hand parenting , and the support they have given me to rediscover my natural inner joy to play, and have fun. But in a work-dominated to society it’s easy to lose touch with our ability to play.
Luckily there is a listening cure that we can use over and over again to recover our joy in playing.
So, when you’re doing listening time talk about how much you dislike playing. Have a vent and moan about how much you hate it. Say all those thoughts uncensored that you wish you didn’t have. Talk about how boring you find the play. Tell your listening partner how you feel when your child says, ”play with me!” Express it all.
Then go back to the past, ask yourself (or your listening partner can ask you?) What was it like when you were young? Who played with you? Did you ever have adult one-one attention? Who did you want to play with you more? – This is a really important step because our feelings about play don’t just relate to the present. They aren’t just about our busy lives. And they probably aren’t really to do with how ‘boring’ our child’s choice of play are. Often that’s more to do with the fact that our own past hurts are being triggered – all the times we wished the adults around us could be more playful and full of joy.
You might laugh, you might cry. You might just talk and vent and moan. Just follow where you mind leads and you will shed those feelings of reluctance to play.
Try this for ten minutes and then go and find your child. How does it feel to play with them now after being able to express your feelings?
Repeat this every time the feelings start building up about disliking playing. When we can release all our feelings we will discover our true inner nature, and our natural love of playing.
Imagine how amazing it would be if we had enough time to get all those feelings out! Then we really could be that parent leaping for joy at the opportunity to play with our child.
Good luck! I’d love to hear how it goes.
Need more help? Read 5 Tips For Having Fun Playing With Your Kids
Would you like to develop your listening skills and learn more about how listening time can be applied to all our family challenges. Check out Hand in Hand parenting’s self study course, Building A Listening Partnership .
Would you like the Listening Cure for your family challenge? Leave me a comment or contact me here .
Feeling stressed out and exhausted? Could simply being listened to refuel your energy and zest for parenting?
Even before becoming a parent I was no stranger to extreme fatigue. While studying at university I caught the flu one January which turned into chronic fatigue syndrome. I spent 6 months at home, unable to concentrate on studying or doing much.
Although I recovered I often find myself having bouts of tiredness, and needing to rest more than the average person. However I have found some ways to deal with it.
In my mid-twenties when my life was undergoing many changes, I would often find myself spending long amounts of time lying in bed at the weekend, which I blogged about in this post .
I liked to journal a lot, and one day I discovered that if I journaled about my thoughts and feelings, my energy would come back much quicker than if I simply rested. I did yoga and was really interested in the mind-body connection. Over time I found that writing with an awareness of my body, helped me access my emotions, and release them. Then my energy was restored. It was amazing!
Shortly after that I found a book called Opening Up: The Healing Power Of Expressing Emotions by psychologist James Pennebaker. He conducted a famous study where participants were asked to write for 15 minutes on 4 separate occasions on the most upsetting event of their lives. He followed the participants up six months later, and found that those who wrote about upsetting events not only felt happier, they also went to the doctor less than those who simply wrote about mundane topics. Processing our emotions, can make us happier and healthier.
When I discovered Hand in Hand parenting I was stressed out and exhausted like most parents. Then I discovered listening partnerships ( exchanges where two parents talk and listen to each other ). I was amazed that even just 10 minutes of being listened could restore my physical energy. That the exhaustion I felt was not an inevitable part of parenting. It had an emotional component that I could release and feel much better.
It makes sense really. Our bodies and minds are intertwined, and there’s lots of research that stress and emotional upset can cause physical conditions.
Because tiredness has always been such a big issue for me, I’ve also worked more in-depth on this topic in my listening time. Sometimes it’s been powerful just to rest with the warm attention of my listening partner. To have a few quiet moments, when I’m not doing, but just being.
I remember Patty Wipfler saying that if there’s somewhere we want to get to in our lives, simply stating where we want to be in our listening time, is a powerful way to shed the feelings that stand in the way. So one day my listening partner gave me the direction to stand up, to stretch my arms wide, and to say, ”I’m so full of energy!” with lots of enthusiasm.
When I did this, a lot of strong feelings came up. I began saying, ”No!” and I suddenly realised that part of me didn’t want to be full of energy. I had the urge to curl up and protect myself. I kept trying the direction, as more and more strong emotions poured out. As my listening partner encouraged me, I realised how much energy I did have, tangled up in these feelings.
I had the insight that my tiredness had been a coping mechanism, a way to deal with heavy emotions, to hide away, rather than face them. As I expressed my fear of saying, ”I’m so full of energy,” it gradually became easier to say it.
Although I still love to write, I no longer journal about my emotions much. I find that being listened to by another loving human being is so much more powerful than being alone with my thoughts on the page. I really needed a listener, somebody who would make a space for those feelings. Someone whose brain was in a calm, relaxed state, who could accept and welcome all my emotions.
Nowadays when i get tired, I don’t just think ”I need to rest.” I also think ”I need listening time.” And often just being listened to for a few minutes can turn around my exhaustion.
If you’re feeling exhausted, it could of course be that you’re sleep-deprived. Sometimes listening time can help us clear our minds, and help us find the strength to figure out how everyone in the family can get a good night’s sleep. And Hand in Hand has some great tools for that!
Your exhaustion could be because there is a physical cause, such as being low in vitamins, or iron, so getting a check-up at the doctor is always a good idea.
As well as taking care of the physical aspects. Listening time can offer a way out of exhaustion, and we can parent with more lightness and joy.
Try this :Are you feeling exhausted? Find a friend or listening partner and exchange time talking and listening to each other. Vent about how exhausted you feel. Take a few minutes to rest. And if your tiredness is an ongoing challenge try exclaiming ”I’m so full of energy!” and see what thoughts and feelings come up.
For more info about listening partnerships, you can read Hand in Hand’s listening partnership booklet , or check out their online self study course
Would you like to find a listening partner? Join the facebook group Hand in Hand parent’s support to connect with other parents.
It’s not your fault. That voice didn’t come from nowhere. It’s not a reflection of your worth as a person or how good you are at this parenting thing.
That’s what we are led to believe because of the way we were parented. We were held responsible for all of our behaviour. So if we hit our sibling or stole some money from our parents wallet our parents would have most likely shouted at us/blamed us/punished us etc. We internalise this punitive, blame culture and feel terrible about ourselves.
Actually the brain science of children’s behaviour shows that when our children act in off-track ways, it’s because they got upset, scared, worried, or sad. When that happens, the part of the brain responsible for rational, reasonable behaviour isn’t functioning as well. All kids are born with a strong innate sense of right and wrong that sometimes gets forgotten in the heat of the moment. The same happens with us sometimes.
It’s not our fault , and it was never your fault. Our brains are more developed than our children’s, so we do have more self-control, but the brain science remains the same. When we get upset, stressed, worried. etc, the rational, reasoning part of our brain doesn’t function so well.
When this happens, the reason why we shout is related to our own childhood. When we can’t think through our actions well, we tend to react based on how our parents responded to us in similar situations. So if we got shouted out, hit, etc. we tend to react in similiar (albeit often less harsh ways) to our children. Sometimes, we start speaking in the exact sentences our parents used.
It’s not your fault , this is happening. It’s a reflection of the ways you were hurt as a child. But you can do something about it.
In Parenting From The Inside Out Dr. Dan Siegal explains how telling stories helps us to heal from the past, so we no longer need to ‘retell’ our history through our reactions. Making sense of the hurts and challenges we experienced means we don’t have to reinact them with our children.
The challenges you face as a parent are often a reflection of the difficulties you had when you were a child.
Creative writing and journalling is one way we can make sense of our past. With Hand in Hand parenting , we also do listening partnerships, where two parents exchange time talking and listening with each other, venting about what’s hard in parenting, and tracing these difficulties back to the past.
Forgive yourself, and nurture yourself, and it will then become easier to ‘forgive’ your child’s challenging behaviour too!
You might like to try answering this question, in a notebook, or with a listening partner. What are your current parenting challenges? How would your parents have reacted to you in a similar situation?
So print out this blog post, and keep it somewhere safe, so in those moments that you feel like you’re about to lose it you can remember, it’s not your fault.
There is support out there waiting for you! You can join the Hand in Hand parenting group on facebook or the yahoo discussion group to find out more, or find a listening partner.
You can also sign up to my blog (on the top right hand corner of this page) so you can get regular supportive blog posts to your inbox.
To learn more about the brain science behind our parenting and what we can do to keep our emotions in-check read, Parenting From The Inside Out
I thought I would write this post for anyone who’s thought of trying a listening partnership, but feels like time is a factor that holds them back. And if you have no idea what a listening partnership is check out this great article here from Hand in Hand parenting instructor Roma Norriss.
Starting a listening partnership can feel like another item on the to-do list, but they actually ‘make’ time. When we clear our head of all our stresses and anxiety, the rest of our lives actually go more smoothly, so that time is a great investment.
For example, my house is often a mess (I spend a lot of time writing!) and I’m often too tired to tidy up. But after a listening partnership, I feel energised to tackle the mess. After clearing out my head, I’m all ready to clear out my living space as well.
When I started listening partnerships, I also realised tiredness can be emotional. Emotions are embodied things, so when we clear out those negative emotions, we have energy to tackle the physical work of being a parent. And when my house is tidy, I know where things are, which saves me the time of looking for things.
When our head is clear, we’re more likely to think of fun, creative ways to connect with our children. When our children are better connected they’re more likely to allow us time to cook dinner without being desperate for attention, or even enjoy the process of tidying up! When we need to get out the door in a hurry they will be more likely to co-operate. We save time, because our relationships are going more smoothly.
When I first started listening partnerships I was feeling much more energised, and was able to give up caffeine. Although I’ve lapsed (several 100 times!) I find when I get a lot of listening time, and don’t need caffeine, I sleep much better. I don’t wake in the night so much, and I jump out of bed much more easily. I probably gain an hour or two simply by being more energised, and sleeping better.
Recently I was reflecting on a trainee Hand in Hand parenting instructor who asked me how come I blog so often. And though there’s a number of reasons I think it may be mainly down to listening partnerships. Listening partnerships helped me work on issues around confidence and self-belief. Listening partnerships helped me to get my priorities straight and think about what I did and didn’t want to dedicate my time to.
Time is rare and precious in this busy life, but when we have this amazing tool to release negative emotions, and think clearly, we can make the most of every moment we have, and build the life of our dreams.
To find a listening partner you can join the Hand in Hand parenting discussion group on Facebook .or the Yahoo discussion group
To learn more about the skills of listening that we use in listening partnerships, Hand in Hand parenting have a listening partnerships booklet , and a self-guided study course , with videos, reading materials and everything you need to know to be a good listener.
The Parenting by Connection starter class , allows you to experience listening time with a qualified instructor and get the chance to make connections with other parents too.
Being a peaceful parent, and trying to listen to our children’s feelings isn’t easy, particularly because many of us are trying to parent in a way that is radically different from our own childhood. When we were young there was little understanding of the importance of listening to children with warmth and patience, so our parents couldn’t give us a model of how to do this. Our unheard feelings from our own childhood get triggered in challenging moments with our children.
Another reason parenting is so challenging is that our busy, modern, society is not built around listening to each other. We often don’t have the time and support we need and so our feelings get in the way of us being the parents we want to be.
Once upon a time we did know how to listen. In many indigenous cultures there is a tradition of listening deeply to each other , and the healing power of doing so. These traditions suggest that the ability to listen, is something deeply instinctual to us, and that we can recover and relearn the skills.
Hand in Hand parenting is not just about listening to our children’s feelings, but about listening to our own, and those of the other adults’ around us. Listening partnerships are the powerful tool where two parents listen to each other, so that we can de-stress from the challenging work of parenting. We can build community where parents support each other, and want the best for each other. This gives us the chance to do the deep healing work we need to have the patience to accept our children’s emotions.
Here are my top ten tips for being a good listener. Whether you are listening to a partner, or a friend or family member is feeling upset, these should come in handy. If you’re new to the idea of listening partnerships, you might want to read this intro to listening partnerships before reading these tips.
Keep everything you hear confidential . When we do listening partnerships it’s always important not to refer to what’s been said outside of the session. These principles are also good to follow when a friend or family member confides in us. We gain their trust when we keep their words to ourselves, and don’t gossip with others.
Don’t interrupt – We have a natural healing process for releasing feelings through talking, laughing and sometimes crying. When we have the chance to follow our own train of thought, with a warm listener we will be naturally led to our own healing. When your listening partner is talking don’t interrupt them. There are some things you can say in a listening partnership, that can help your partner when they get stuck and can’t release their feelings. Patty Wipfler talks about these in depth in her listening partnership booklet .
Trust that your partner/friend etc. is the best expert on their life – If your friend or listening partner is having a lot of arguments with their husband, or struggles with their son’s aggression, you may think that you have the perfect solution. However everyone’s life is different, and our solutions may work fine in our own life, but may not be so appropriate for another. When people are upset, they find it hard to think clearly and listen to advice, however well-intentioned. When we listen and allow our partner to release their feelings, they’ll be able to think more clearly and can often come up with their own solution.
Don’t Tell Your Own Stories – In everyday conversation with friends and family it’s common practise to compare struggles, and the solutions we found that worked for us. This kind of back and forth doesn’t give either person enough time to do the deep healing work they need to release feelings. So when your partner is in the midst of an emotional upset don’t draw their attention towards your stories, and your life. Keep listening, and focused on them.
Don’t Judge – Your listening partner, or friend may be behaving in ways that may you think. ”Oh I’m such a better parent than that I would never do that!” But the thing is, the things that they find difficult in their present life are often a reflection of the ways they were hurt when they were young . Understanding this is how we remove judgement towards other parents. We can then move towards listening to them with compassion and unconditional acceptance. That gives them the safe space they need to begin to heal.
Let your partner lead the way – We do this in normal conversation, often changing the subject completely or digressing far from the original topic. However when we want to listen and help the other person heal, it’s good to let them steer the conversation rather than us. That way they can direct it towards their own healing.
Don’t try to cheer them up- If your partner is upset, because she’s desperate for a break from parenting, you might try ‘cheering’ them up by saying something like, ”it’s Wednesday, only two days till the weekend,” or ”well your mum’s coming next week, then she’ll be able to help out.” This is something we do quite naturally in conversation, probably because we grow up with an unconscious pattern of trying to avoid our own emotions and other peoples. So instead of trying to direct our partner away from their emotions we need to help direct them towards their emotions. We might want to say, ”tell me more about that,” or ”how is that for you?” So they can expand upon how they are feeling.
Offer a contradiction – If your partner is saying they feel like a terrible parent or a failure at work, and you know it’s not true, it’s good to tell them so. You may not want to do it when they’re in the midst of tears, as when they need is a shoulder to cry on. But if they’re finding it hard to get to their feelings, they may need a glimmer or hope, to know things aren’t so bad, so they can kick start their healing process. So tell them that they’re a fantastic mum, or great at their job. etc. And say it genuinely, when the timing’s right, rather than as a reflex reply.
Help Your Partner Laugh- Once you tap into your natural ability to listen you may notice moments when you say something that makes your partner laugh. Laugh along with them, and perhaps say more on similar lines to keep the giggles flowing. This is really just like playlistening for adults, and is all part of the healing process.
Listen if they cry . When our partner cries, we just need to be there and listen. We can offer real (or virtual!) hugs. We can offer a few empathetic words, but we don’t need to say much. Just our presence and our listening lets our partner know that they have a safe place for their feelings, and then they can begin to heal.
Hand in Hand parenting is based on listening. It starts with being listened to as parents, which gives us the patience and energy to listen to our own children’s emotional moments.
When we do so, we discover that our children are naturally, good, loving, and co-operative, and it’s emotional upsets that cause them to behave in off-track ways. We can help them with their emotions through connection and listening, which keeps their behaviour on-track. Family life becomes much more fun and enjoyable for everyone.
It started one day over thirty years ago, when Patty Wipfler was a young mother, and was asked by a younger woman what parenting was like. When she burst into tears, and was listened to with warmth and empathy she discovered that crying (and laughter to!) is a healing process, a way we can recover from our stress and upset. She realised just how important is that parents get a chance to de-stress so they can be the parents they want to be.
Hand in Hand parenting is an approach made up of 5 Listening Tools. The foundation of Hand in Hand parenting is called a listening partnership , where two or more parents, share time talking and listening about how parenting is going. It’s based on the idea that our past experiences cause our present day difficulties.
When we talk about the challenges in our lives, with someone who listens to us with warmth and empathy, we slowly build the safety to show our feelings. We might laugh, we might cry, we might reflect on our own childhood, and as we do so we shed the baggage that gets in the way of being the parents we want to be.
With support from other Hand in Hand parents in classes or regular listening partnerships, we can begin to integrate the other Hand in Hand parenting tools into our lives.
Staylistening – Crying is a healing process, and scientific research has found that tears contain the stress hormone cortisol. When children cry they are literally releasing stress from their bodies that may have built up from upsetting experiences. S taylistening means staying close when our children cry or tantrum, and allowing them to fully express their emotions. We give our children affection and warmth, without trying to distract, stop or ‘fix’ things too soon. Our children can fully release the upset feelings that cause their off-track behaviour, and return to their natural, loving, co-operative selves.
Special Time – Set a timer for a period of time, perhaps 10-15 mins. Tell your child, they can do exactly what they want (as long as it’s safe!), and follow their lead. Let them fully direct the play, while you shower your love and attention on them. Special time is great before periods of separation, and really helps to build a strong sense of connection with our child. It also is a great way to reconnect after a separation.
Playlistening – We pick up on what makes our child laugh, while they are in the more powerful role, and repeat it to get the giggles going, (except tickling). This helps our child to release tension, and it builds co-operation. It also builds children’s confidence to feel powerful and strong. Playlistening can involve roughhousing, which studies have shown reduces aggression in children, and helps healthy brain development.
Setting Limits – With Parenting by Connection we teach how to set limits in a gentle, connected way that builds closeness with our child. When we need to set a limit, we listen to our child’s feelings, with warmth and empathy, understanding that once they are free of upset feelings, they are usually happy to co-operate with us (if our request is reasonable!)
Want to get started with Hand in Hand? Here’s info about the Parenting By Connection Starter Class.
Before becoming a mother I questioned whether I really was the sort of person who could dedicate their life completely to another human being. After the difficult phase in my life that I blogged about in this post I wasn’t sure I could bring a child into the world when I wasn’t happy myself.
I needed so much of my time for my own healing, that I didn’t see how it would be possible to have the time or energy to be a parent. I did yoga every day, I meditated, and journaled for a least an hour a day, which was all a necessary part of lifting myself out of depression, and healing.
As time went on I did find happiness, and my life became more about living rather than simply healing. I became pregnant and luckily when my daughter was born I adjusted relatively easily. I’m pretty sure, all that time spent being introspective and working through feelings about my own childhood helped a lot.
When my daughter was first born, I was happy to dedicate myself completely to her, I actually enjoyed it. It was like a holiday from myself for a while and I embraced caring for another human being.
But, I also sensed that healing was an ongoing process, that I hadn’t finished healing myself, and probably never would.
When I stumbled upon Hand in Hand parenting , I realised that healing wasn’t something that I need to find masses, and masses of time for like before I had been a mother. It was something I could do in the midst of parenting.
When your child is ‘acting out’, being aggressive, whining or crying, or you are caught up in anxiety that they are going to turn out just like you, or experience all of the struggles that you did, or when you are stressed or exhausted, it’s hard to imagine that this is actually, in some ways, a gift, a possibility for healing and transformation.
In Parenting From The Inside Out Dr. Dan Siegel, explains the brain science behind what happens when we get stressed, and how implicit memories from our own childhood get triggered. When this happens, the rational, reasoning part of our brain – the pre-frontal cortex can’t function as well. When this happens we have the tendency to act on the basis of our memories – we might start behaving in similar ways to our parents and feel that we can’t control our behaviour well.
And how is this all healing? Well, you need a place to go to tell your stories, to reflect on your daily niggles and stress, to rant about your aggressive son, or your crying baby, in a safe space with a listener. (we call this listening partnerships). You can trace your feelings back to your own childhood, and how your parents treated you. You can find the safety and space to laugh about what’s hard, and cry.
This allows you to move beyond your own past, to become less reactive, and more patient with your children. Each challenging moment is the opportunity to grow, when you dedicate time to processing your own feelings, as well as helping your child. This allows you to be the parent you want to be. Parenting can be a healing path that you walk together with your children, so that life can be much brighter.
It’s hard to think of those challenging moments as a gift, but if you can remember that, and find a safe space for your own feelings, you can transform your parenting, and you life.
Listening partnerships are free exchanges you can do with other ‘Hand in Hand parenting parents. It can help to take an online course with Hand in Hand parenting to learn the basics like the Parenting by Connection Starter class or the Listening Partnerships Self-Study course .
For more information read: The Secret Weapon Every Parent Needs To Know About and How Telling Your Life Story Can Transform Your Parenting
Would you like to start a listening partnership? Join the Hand in Hand parenting facebook support group, and connect up with other Hand in Hand parents now.
It is such a dangerous part of our culture, the fear of letting liquid loose from our eyes – Hollie McNish, Performance Poet
Recently I’ve been coming across a lot of articles online about how to stop tantrums. These articles are well-meaning but the information they are sharing is misguided in the least, and potentially harmful to your child. The ideas they share are simply a reflection of the ‘cultural blind spot’ we have around the real purpose of crying.
To explain why I need to tell you a story about when I was 25 years old. My parents separated after 30 years of marriage, and although you might think this wouldn’t effect an adult as much as a child, I felt like the very foundation my life was built upon had been shattered.
I felt angry, so angry that in a two-week stretch I wrote 90,000 words of anger onto my computer ( I looked back later with a clearer head, and none of those words could be rewritten into anything worthwhile). I was stuck in my feelings, and I was also exhausted. I became incredibly fatigued and spent 90% of my weekends in bed watching DVD’s
Then I started doing yoga. I got a trial 7 day pass to a yoga studio and one day I tried out yin yoga. This is a slow gentle form of yoga where you spend a long time in each post, getting into the fascia of the body, where all our emotions are stored. Shortly after trying yin yoga my anger transformed into sadness. I started to cry. My entire writing style changed into something much more gentle. I stopped circling around in the same angry thoughts and began to get some clarity about my life. That’s when I started healing. I started to get more energy again, and my life changed. As I incorporated a new awareness of who I was things were much brighter than before my parents had separated.
It took me till the age of 25 to relearn this natural healing process that we are all born with; the ability to simply be with our emotions, to cry, and let them go. Crying is good for us. Through crying our body releases stress hormones, and makes antibodies, and endorphins. Crying actually plays a vital role in boosting the immune system, as well as our general physical health and emotional wellbeing.
Yesterday my daughter and I were leaving the house, and I asked her what she wanted and she said, ‘’anything.’’ So I packed an apple in my bag, and as we walked out the door, I told her I brought her an apple. She immediately started crying. One minute she was crying because the snack was meant to be a surprise, the next she was crying because an apple wasn’t enough.
I could of immediately ‘fixed’ things and rushed back up the stairs to get her another snack, but I sensed that her upset wasn’t really about the apple. She had been grumpy for the previous thirty minutes and I had sensed a storm brewing.
Instead I listened to her emphasising, and cuddling, and saying that we couldn’t go back and get anything else. After a few minutes those grumpy, underlying feelings were gone, and she was in a fantastic mood.
If I had avoided the meltdown, I might have been side-stepping her anger all day. Instead a bad mood was over in a matter of minutes.
Almost all of us start off thinking that stopping crying and tantrums (even when our child has no particular need) is for the best. It seems like the most natural thing in the world to do.
But what appears like nature is as actually a result of our own past experience. When we were children few of us had parents who could deal with our deep feelings, and when we cried they may have distracted us, or stopped us somehow, using gentle or not-so-gentle means.
When we grow up, until we examine our own response to crying we tend to react in a similar way to our own parents. So even if we choose to parent in a more peaceful way, we assume that crying is something we need to stop as quickly as possible.
Our thinking gets confused and we think that stopping meltdowns is ‘cheering’ our children up when in actual fact we’re encouraging them to bury their emotions. Stopping meltdowns can mean our children start to ‘tell’ us about their feelings through challenging behaviour, and parenting becomes much harder than it needs to be.
Funnily enough, our children never asked us to stop their tantrums. They are actually perfectly ‘happy’ to have them because it’s a healthy emotional release, and they are simply following their natural instinct to cry and get it out so they will feel better (and behave better) after having got to the end of a tantrum.
Stopping tantrums is all about us. It’s about the struggle we have with dealing with strong emotions, because our own strong emotions were never heard. When our children cry it triggers all our unconscious memories of how our parents reacted to meltdowns.
Instead of focusing on avoiding or stopping tantrums, we actually need to focus on how we can get ourselves into shape for the challenging emotional work of listening. Rather than trying to make our children cry less, we actually need to cry more. That’s at the heart of bringing up children who don’t need to recover from their childhoods.
My daughter’s life is pretty much therapy on tap. Play therapy, laughter therapy, and crying therapy. Although I’m not a therapist, so I don’t call it therapy, but it serves the exact same purpose and it is completely free.
This is emotional work, but it’s what I’m willing to do, because it means that at least most of the time, my daughter is absolutely a complete delight to be around. Also, because I don’t try to stop my daughter from crying, she tends to have most of her meltdowns at home, when she senses I’m most available to listen.
Hand in Hand parenting is all about supporting parents to do this challenging emotional work, and one of the most powerful ways we can do this, is by listening to each other, by creating the safety and space we need for our own emotions. Then we discover our true nature, and our ability to listen to our children’s tears.
Try This: Find a friend who’s a good listener and agree to exchange 10 minutes each talking and listening about how you feel when your toddler throws a tantrum. Vent and have a good moan. Reflect on what happened to you when you were a child and got upset. Notice: Does this listening process effect how you react to your child’s next meltdown?
Further reading on handling tantrums and how to start a listening partnership with another parent. Free ‘Secret To Transforming Tantrums’ E-Book , Listening Partnerships: The Secret Weapon Every Parent Needs To Know About
Would you like to get started with Hand in Hand parenting? Here’s more info about the Parenting by Connection Starter Class .
We’ve all been through it. That moment where you catch yourself saying things that you regret later. We all say things that don’t exactly sound like the loving, peaceful parent that we intend to be. It can feel like we are channelling an adult from our distant past, and we wonder why we have lost control.
First of all – shouting is not your fault. It’s not a sign that you are a terrible parent. And the fact that you’ve made it to the second paragraph of this article is a sign that you are a wonderful parent, that you have taken time out of your busy life to read and think about how to do the very best for your children.
Shouting may actually be a sign that you are working ‘too hard,’ and that you need to take a step back to love and nurture yourself, to refill your cup so that you are feeling less stressed and triggered.
The brain science behind why we lose it is discussed in detail in Parenting From The Inside Out By Dan Siegal. He explains why when we feel stressed, and overwhelmed, our pre-frontal cortex – the rational, reasoning part of our brain that is responsibly for impulse control can’t function as well. When this happens, unconscious memories from our own childhood get triggered, and we may start acting in ways that are similar to the ways we were treated when we were young.
Although it’s not our fault that we shout we can do something about it. We can get the nurturing and support we need to keep our brain in thinking mode. And every time we resist shouting neurologists say we are actually rewiring our brain to make anger less likely in the future too.
So here’s a list of 15 top tips for staying cool in the moment. You can print it out and pin it to your fridge to remind yourself in times of need. Thanks to all the Hand in Hand parenting instructors who helped me with their tried and tested ideas!
Get listening time – This is the best preventative tool there is. Getting some listening time when your children are in bed means that you can vent about the day’s struggles, and start the next day afresh. When we have a chance to talk to a listener about our own childhood it means we can let our past go, so it has less and less impact on our present. Getting regular listening time helps our thinking stay intact, so can stop ourselves saying our angry thoughts. Even five minutes can make a difference , and once you’ve learnt the skills, listening partnerships are completely free!
Have some downtime – We often get angry when our lives are over-scheduled and we have too much to do. We may find that the more we try to do, the more stressed, and the angry we get. So drop anything non-essential off your to-do list, cuddle up with your child, and focus on ‘being’ instead of ‘doing.’
Meet A Friend – Having another adult around helps us to stay in ‘thinking’ mode. Being at home with children can feel isolating, and humans are social creatures. Our brains function best when we are with others. If you regularly find yourself getting stressed and angry try to see if you can factor in more adult connection into your days.
Start the music and dance – Isabela Budusan recommends completely changing the atmosphere by putting on some music and having a dance. You could also try a game of chase. We can shake out our tension, and reconnect with our children at the same time.
Lie down on the floor – Patty Wipfler recommends this in her article here along with with a few other great suggestions. Lying down allows us to reset the situation, let the angry feelings float away and start afresh.
Silly Noises – Julianne Idleman says, ”Make a crazy noise instead of yelling. You get some of your frustration out and the kids are more amused than scared.” You could also try ‘saying’ your angry words in a nonsense language that sounds funny.
When your child’s behaviour drives you crazy From Julianne Idleman. Dramatically–very dramatically–pretend that whatever they are doing is definitely going to kill you. Moan, cry out, clutch at them as you fall to the floor. I used to do this when I could not hear the word “Stupid” one more time.
Angry Stuffed Toy – From Julianne Idleman. Pretend a stuffed animal is going crazy over whatever you want to yell about and you have to be the one to hold him back before he “gets” the child.
Deep Breaths – Julie Johnson recommends taking three slow deep breaths, or slowly drinking a glass of water. She also has a few more wonderful tips in her article here . This can be tough to remember in the moment, which is why it might be good to have some calm reminders around, like a favourite glass or this article.
Emergency Listening Time – Make an arrangement with a listening partner that you will call each other when you are about to lose it. Sometimes just hearing your partner’s calming voice can be enough to shift your mood.
Imaginary Listening Partner – Roma Norris says, When I’ve reached my limit and my kid is still off track, I have said “Wait there, Mummy just needs to calm down, I’ll be back.” I then go a short distance away and just imagine I am calling my listening partner and ranting at her. That was enough to take the urgency out of it and remember that the situation wasn’t as grave as I was projecting. (Roma also has a really helpful video, What to do when you’re about to lose it with your kid .)
Owning And Accepting our Emotions – Michelle Welch has some really useful advice in this article here about owning and accepting our emotions. We can watch our emotions, riding them like a wave, knowing that we didn’t choose to have them, and that they will pass in time.
Journalling – Stephanie Parker says, I sometimes get my notebook and write down how mad I am, what I’d like to do to my daughter, what I’d like to say. It often makes me cry, and in just a few mins it’s like I’ve given myself an listening time. I also sometimes tell the mirror how angry I am.
Video for self-compassion – From Stephanie Parker. I grab my iphone and take a very short video of myself asking the question – what would my inner loving mother say to me now? This exercise also makes me cry and if I haven’t cried enough I’ll watch it back. It’s such a great tool for self compassion!
Playful Anger -From Hanna Gauri Ma of Loving Earth Mama . I have a Larry Cohen inspired one. When I am getting worked up, I often exaggerate it and go playful. I’ll say something like ‘my head is going to explode’ and mime it out (all silly like) or ‘I wish I were a dragon, then I could breathe fire, right now’. It is like lightly laughing at how wound up this (probably) relatively minor thing is making me. It still transmits that this is serious and big for me while also keeping us connected through laughter.
Hand in Hand parenting is here to help! If you need some more support or ideas then leave a comment or connect with the Hand in Hand parenting support group on facebook .
You can also join me in my upcoming online Parenting By Connection Starter Class .
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